I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
