I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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