If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
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Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
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Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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