I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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