Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
