I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
