is your mom at the bar?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
