6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
