i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
