the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
