It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
