Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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