I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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