i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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