I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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