You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
