My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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