she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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