i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
