I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up