My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.