my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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