with your own penis?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
