I feel like I'm in dance class right now
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
