There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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