when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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