Kiss
Puke
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
