Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
