I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
