Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
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We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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