if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
