Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
