She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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