does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
