I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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