i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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