I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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