Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
