also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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