On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
