I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
