Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just want nice things and good sex
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
