There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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