mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize