the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
