It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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