I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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