So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
