I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
