There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
