I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
