if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
