i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
