Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
