where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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