I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
