my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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