I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
