I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
