I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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